Its hard to say "be yourself" and it still not be about impressing people.
Is it just me, or does your mind play tricks on you and tell that if you were really "yourself" you would be the most witty, fun loving, engaging person to be around?
I have somehow always understood that if I were myself, more people would like me, because when I am relaxed all these wonderful attributes would naturally pour out.
Never once did anyone really talk about "being yourself" as knowing your values, and upholding your boundaries.
Because in life it isn't really about impressing people, its about relationship with people.
Knowing who you are and being who you are in terms of values and boundaries allows your life, your existence, to be something substantial in this world. It gives your life meaning.
Not everyone lives like this. Most people don't, most people let life and other people pull them in directions for thousands of different reasons .
This isn't to say inflexibility and coming to new conclusions isn't a part of the equation.
It is about knowing yourself, and upholding that with boundaries.
I am just learning this.

New Story

I'm 41 and 1/2. I started using half years again when I turned 40. It seems fitting. The early years are so full of developmental changes that every month counts. 3 and 1/2 is way different than 4.
When I reached my middle years, I started counting halves again , not because so many changes and mile stones are being made (but some are), but as a recognition that the time we have here really is fleeting.
I don't feel 41. On most days I feel about 35. I still have tons of hopes and dreams, and lots of plans. I hope to make the best out of the years I have left.
I also have tons of failures and shortcomings and things that I have always felt have been out of my control. I still have fears, and sometimes what I fear is rooted in a distrust of myself.

I have a story that I have never been able to really quite express. Every time I tried, it felt self defeating, as though I was re-hashing old garbage that really needed to just be thrown out.
But, try as I might, I wasn't able to throw it out. My story stuck around and has played itself out again and again.

I'm 41 and 1/2, and I am ready to start telling a different story. I am ready to start living comfortably in my own skin. I am ready to start living fully for this day, just as it is- in the challenges and in the celebration.
My story hemmed me in to believing I was not lovable, that I was defective. My story always put my in the role of not being good enough. It has stopped me from having close relationships, from going on vacations, from talking to people I really wanted to get to know and doing things I really wanted to do. All of this only reinforced what I was already telling myself.
My story is wrapped in fear, shame and self doubt.

But, the truth is that there is nothing in this world that will be more harmful to me than me not engaging in it or not being exactly who I am in it. Because this "Who I am" person can learn and grow.  

New Story Chapter 1: I am me, and I am good enough (for now...)

Hard

A letter to friends:

I push things. I dont mean to, but I do. I push things to see what the reality is. To push forward the truth. I dont do this to test others, I do this to be sure. I need to be sure.
People say I'm hard. I'm hard because I push.
And, I may be wrong to push.
I'm wrong if my goal is to stay surface and be happy.
There's nothing wrong with being surface and happy. I never consciously decided to be someone who cant stay on the surface, (of relationships, of ideas, of meanings).
My mind just goes there- to underneath, and then I start pulling on the whats showing.
And sometimes my mind is wrong- admittedly, sometimes what I see is wrong.

It would be tiring and never ending to try to explain why and how I got to be where I am.

What I want to express to those who care, to those who are trustworthy to be a friend, is what I am learning.

And its this: In the midst of a constant battle with myself, to keep my mind going towards whats right and whats light. In the midst of the battle to find my own goodness and worth and believe in it, having people look at your sickness, illness and injury and then judge you for it- in fact, defines you as the that, it isnt a friend.

A friend is someone who sees your sickness, illness and injury and wants that to be healed, while loving you exactly where you are.

(Originally written 2/2015) 

Thought for the day...

I love the people God has surrounded me with.
I love that they accept me even though their lives always seem a little straighter than mine, and make a little more sense than mine.
I love that these people can easily be viewed as successful  (even highly so) to the world, yet they still accept me in all my feeble attempts at success.
I've seen alot of normalcy, and righteousness and cleanliness.
If I'm not careful I may begin to believe that THAT (and simply that) is "right living".
I am so blessed to be among people who are clear minded, practical and have life set right. I needed to see that, experience that in my life. Stability, wholeness,
But, I have a continuing desire to be with the broken, the helpless, the ones who cant succeed.

Originally written 6/29/2014

Random thought-oids. Where does that leave me?

...the more religious (abiding by the rules, instead of abiding in the person of Jesus) I became, the more complicated and restricted my life became. Instead of everything good happening, there was always a very good "biblical" reason to make sure nothing good or bad ever happened.  If anything I let religion stamp out any hope for life.

At that point I only knew two options- be religious, or go back to some of my old ways of thinking and doing.  When all your efforts for the promise of a rich,deep meaningful life fail; when your prayer is sincere in its need, but formulaic and repetitive in practice - it seems like your talking into the wind.

...very quickly into it being a Christian became ,for me, another method and effort for self improvement. This time the goal was holiness, or being good- or at least being like the other Christians around me.
I think a better understanding of what it means to be Christian has more to do with self utility and usefulness-but I don't want to lean so far into the "doing" that it obscures what I mean.
And, what I mean is this: our life with Christ should be less about making ourselves better and more about being our selves in the world.  Loving  and accepting ourselves and then doing the same for others.

Victory and defeat within a week..

To whom it may concern,
This week it feels like I went from victory to defeat.

The last few weeks at a new job have had me feeling ambivalent and scared, but I have felt the overwhelming assurance that I will be ok- that I don't have to fear, that He has good hiding in the cracks and crevices of this situation.
It has been kind of nice. I felt like I was finally "getting it", both by digging my feet in and by letting go. Ah- ha! How mature I was becoming...

But then, I suddenly got T-boned by an emotional reaction in a completely different setting and for completely different reasons.

At first I was indignant- arguing how I was right, if only to myself.
Then, I was a little regretful, realizing what I'd really done.
Then, I was a little fearful. With a feeling of hollowness, I am afraid of the consequences- ALONENESS, ISOLATION.

What will they do with me now, will they give up on me? Have nothing to do with me?

Where do I go from here? I have nowhere to go. Have I ruined it, again? Am I beyond help or hope?


This is what I realized, even if I cant expect others to give me the Grace that God does, or that I give myself.

That was me. That was an honest reaction. It was a broken reaction, but emotionally honest and real.

I cant change it by covering it up, I cant fix it by pretending or forgetting.

I have to acknowledge it- and not apologize for it, not explain it away. That is part of my experience.

What others take from it, how they respond to it isn't up to me.

In the end: the good I am during the victory is no better or worse than the bad I am in defeat.

It's just where I am, and I am thankful that right now my only obligation is to acknowledge it. To say what it is, then hand it to the God who is my creator, so that we can merrily go on our way.


Amen

Simple

I have a lot of thoughts stirring. I think I'm figuring a few things out... The simpler the terms the better...
What if everyday I just showed up as exactly who I was?
What if everyday I showed up knowing God loved me?
What if I showed up even when it was bad and emotionally taxing and I trusted God would be with me in it (whatever it is)?
What if I showed up with my single most pressing purpose as fully being who God made me to be?

There are moments when the light breaks through and I can envison the freedom, the weightlessness, of
living without insecurities.
I call it "giving my full face." The way God gives His full face to His children- full of love and tenderness and presence.
Not that I am so good that glory comes out of my pores, but by removing the masks that we make to survive, removing the feared expectation of what other people think and simply trusting God to be within you (and me), this may very likely be the gift and rescue the world is waiting for.

Amen.