...the more religious (abiding by the rules, instead of abiding in the person of Jesus) I became, the more complicated and restricted my life became. Instead of everything good happening, there was always a very good "biblical" reason to make sure nothing good or bad ever happened. If anything I let religion stamp out any hope for life.
At that point I only knew two options- be religious, or go back to some of my old ways of thinking and doing. When all your efforts for the promise of a rich,deep meaningful life fail; when your prayer is sincere in its need, but formulaic and repetitive in practice - it seems like your talking into the wind.
...very quickly into it being a Christian became ,for me, another method and effort for self improvement. This time the goal was holiness, or being good- or at least being like the other Christians around me.
I think a better understanding of what it means to be Christian has more to do with self utility and usefulness-but I don't want to lean so far into the "doing" that it obscures what I mean.
And, what I mean is this: our life with Christ should be less about making ourselves better and more about being our selves in the world. Loving and accepting ourselves and then doing the same for others.
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