Hard

A letter to friends:

I push things. I dont mean to, but I do. I push things to see what the reality is. To push forward the truth. I dont do this to test others, I do this to be sure. I need to be sure.
People say I'm hard. I'm hard because I push.
And, I may be wrong to push.
I'm wrong if my goal is to stay surface and be happy.
There's nothing wrong with being surface and happy. I never consciously decided to be someone who cant stay on the surface, (of relationships, of ideas, of meanings).
My mind just goes there- to underneath, and then I start pulling on the whats showing.
And sometimes my mind is wrong- admittedly, sometimes what I see is wrong.

It would be tiring and never ending to try to explain why and how I got to be where I am.

What I want to express to those who care, to those who are trustworthy to be a friend, is what I am learning.

And its this: In the midst of a constant battle with myself, to keep my mind going towards whats right and whats light. In the midst of the battle to find my own goodness and worth and believe in it, having people look at your sickness, illness and injury and then judge you for it- in fact, defines you as the that, it isnt a friend.

A friend is someone who sees your sickness, illness and injury and wants that to be healed, while loving you exactly where you are.

(Originally written 2/2015)