New Story

I'm 41 and 1/2. I started using half years again when I turned 40. It seems fitting. The early years are so full of developmental changes that every month counts. 3 and 1/2 is way different than 4.
When I reached my middle years, I started counting halves again , not because so many changes and mile stones are being made (but some are), but as a recognition that the time we have here really is fleeting.
I don't feel 41. On most days I feel about 35. I still have tons of hopes and dreams, and lots of plans. I hope to make the best out of the years I have left.
I also have tons of failures and shortcomings and things that I have always felt have been out of my control. I still have fears, and sometimes what I fear is rooted in a distrust of myself.

I have a story that I have never been able to really quite express. Every time I tried, it felt self defeating, as though I was re-hashing old garbage that really needed to just be thrown out.
But, try as I might, I wasn't able to throw it out. My story stuck around and has played itself out again and again.

I'm 41 and 1/2, and I am ready to start telling a different story. I am ready to start living comfortably in my own skin. I am ready to start living fully for this day, just as it is- in the challenges and in the celebration.
My story hemmed me in to believing I was not lovable, that I was defective. My story always put my in the role of not being good enough. It has stopped me from having close relationships, from going on vacations, from talking to people I really wanted to get to know and doing things I really wanted to do. All of this only reinforced what I was already telling myself.
My story is wrapped in fear, shame and self doubt.

But, the truth is that there is nothing in this world that will be more harmful to me than me not engaging in it or not being exactly who I am in it. Because this "Who I am" person can learn and grow.  

New Story Chapter 1: I am me, and I am good enough (for now...)