Random thought-oids. Where does that leave me?

...the more religious (abiding by the rules, instead of abiding in the person of Jesus) I became, the more complicated and restricted my life became. Instead of everything good happening, there was always a very good "biblical" reason to make sure nothing good or bad ever happened.  If anything I let religion stamp out any hope for life.

At that point I only knew two options- be religious, or go back to some of my old ways of thinking and doing.  When all your efforts for the promise of a rich,deep meaningful life fail; when your prayer is sincere in its need, but formulaic and repetitive in practice - it seems like your talking into the wind.

...very quickly into it being a Christian became ,for me, another method and effort for self improvement. This time the goal was holiness, or being good- or at least being like the other Christians around me.
I think a better understanding of what it means to be Christian has more to do with self utility and usefulness-but I don't want to lean so far into the "doing" that it obscures what I mean.
And, what I mean is this: our life with Christ should be less about making ourselves better and more about being our selves in the world.  Loving  and accepting ourselves and then doing the same for others.

Victory and defeat within a week..

To whom it may concern,
This week it feels like I went from victory to defeat.

The last few weeks at a new job have had me feeling ambivalent and scared, but I have felt the overwhelming assurance that I will be ok- that I don't have to fear, that He has good hiding in the cracks and crevices of this situation.
It has been kind of nice. I felt like I was finally "getting it", both by digging my feet in and by letting go. Ah- ha! How mature I was becoming...

But then, I suddenly got T-boned by an emotional reaction in a completely different setting and for completely different reasons.

At first I was indignant- arguing how I was right, if only to myself.
Then, I was a little regretful, realizing what I'd really done.
Then, I was a little fearful. With a feeling of hollowness, I am afraid of the consequences- ALONENESS, ISOLATION.

What will they do with me now, will they give up on me? Have nothing to do with me?

Where do I go from here? I have nowhere to go. Have I ruined it, again? Am I beyond help or hope?


This is what I realized, even if I cant expect others to give me the Grace that God does, or that I give myself.

That was me. That was an honest reaction. It was a broken reaction, but emotionally honest and real.

I cant change it by covering it up, I cant fix it by pretending or forgetting.

I have to acknowledge it- and not apologize for it, not explain it away. That is part of my experience.

What others take from it, how they respond to it isn't up to me.

In the end: the good I am during the victory is no better or worse than the bad I am in defeat.

It's just where I am, and I am thankful that right now my only obligation is to acknowledge it. To say what it is, then hand it to the God who is my creator, so that we can merrily go on our way.


Amen

Simple

I have a lot of thoughts stirring. I think I'm figuring a few things out... The simpler the terms the better...
What if everyday I just showed up as exactly who I was?
What if everyday I showed up knowing God loved me?
What if I showed up even when it was bad and emotionally taxing and I trusted God would be with me in it (whatever it is)?
What if I showed up with my single most pressing purpose as fully being who God made me to be?

There are moments when the light breaks through and I can envison the freedom, the weightlessness, of
living without insecurities.
I call it "giving my full face." The way God gives His full face to His children- full of love and tenderness and presence.
Not that I am so good that glory comes out of my pores, but by removing the masks that we make to survive, removing the feared expectation of what other people think and simply trusting God to be within you (and me), this may very likely be the gift and rescue the world is waiting for.

Amen.

Nacho friends and Zappos Family Core Value #10

People! Ugh! Sometimes I just cant stand them. Including myself( because I am one of them.)
Alot of people have hurt me, alot of people have "left" me. To be honest, sometimes I cant blame them. I am not always easy to be friends with.
I over think, I over analyze... & Unless I tell someone what I'm thinking, there is no point in me thinking it, right?
Maybe those are the reasons... or maybe its because I am a bit unpolished, and prefer being comfortable over being impressive; maybe its because sometimes I can be socially awkward and a bit too lame (in deed and in appearance) that people find me un-loveable. Maybe it's because I've been close to out of my mind in a thyroid storm, or because I cant seem to make the right decisions (or any decisions at all) , or do the right things, that people back away and maybe even work at avoiding me.
I can go on and on...and on.

Maybe its all of these things, - or none of them.

I have a long list of things that are wrong with me. I have a few (read: very few!) friends that have seen parts of me from this list,have stuck around and still believe in my other list (the things that are right about me.) God bless them (really God, I am asking you to Bless them.. : ) for that!

But, my mind still goes to the ones who have for one reason or another have rejected me, or turned their back on me. Those are my nacho friends.
The short you-tube version of an old joke runs through my mind.
"I dont like you" one says.
"Why?, cant we taco bout it?" the other one says.
"No, I'm nacho friend..."

Its a lot more funny after a few glasses of wine- I promise.

In some instances, I can point out every aspect of where they are wrong. There is always a nice unhealthy solice in that.
In other instances, I just have to accept that there was a disconnect, and I cant blame the other person for that. Even in those instances my natural instinct is to charge right in and "fix" whatever is wrong- I can turn it around, I can make them like me. I'll turn on the charm, show them I have been reformed!, work and work hard at measuring up to their expectations.

Oh, but I cant do that anymore either.

With a deep sign, and some heartfelt regret I have to acknowledge and accept Zappos Family Core Value #10.

That was starring me in the face this afternoon as I ruminated over all this and kicked my shoes into the closet.
It's a nice reminder and very true ; ).
Humbly accept who you are, entrust yourself to God and He will lift you up.

"This time, it's personal..."

If anyone was around when Jaws XX.L came out (slight exaggeration) you may remember the tag line "This time,it's personal..." Yep, in the late 80's people flocked (OK, another exaggeration.. ) to the cinema to see a shark get it's revenge on the people who hunted Great Whites.
What can I say, it was getting to be a slow decade...
The tag line, and even the premise of an emotionally oblivious shark taking measures to intentionally terrorize humans, seems fitting for this post.
Because really- this post is both more personal (that's my typical default by the way), and has to do with the absurdity of our perceptions that the world is out to get us, or at least doesn't like us.
You may never have felt that way, but I'm going to posit that it is a fairly common feeling/belief. Whether it is momentary or a more lasting perception there is something in us that can be swayed to believe that the shark is out to get us, personally. That a persons lack of a smile, or disapproving look or a bad mood was directed at you; and if you're like me, you are left with the task of trying to figure out what you had done and to then try to make yourself better to be better accepted.
It's a hurtful, exhausting experience. It's a dozen times worse when you are really hoping for that persons approval.
It just sucks.
And the truth is I don't have an answer to fix it. My guess is that the answer lies more in learning how to swim with sharks (not to steal another Hollywood reference) than in defeating or changing the sharks. I have to learn how to live among the things that have teeth and can hurt me, but live among them in such a way that they don't rule over me. In the immortal words of Dori (NEMO, folks- Nemo!) "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...."

At the moment, what that practically looks like for me is this,

Don't be jealous of my snazzy fabric covered shoe box, now...

What you are seeing is my first deposit of the year for a 52 week savings plan that will finance my "big adventure"...a four day hiking trek to Havasu Falls in the Grand Canyon. A great reminder that there is soo much more to life.