Random thought-oids. Where does that leave me?

...the more religious (abiding by the rules, instead of abiding in the person of Jesus) I became, the more complicated and restricted my life became. Instead of everything good happening, there was always a very good "biblical" reason to make sure nothing good or bad ever happened.  If anything I let religion stamp out any hope for life.

At that point I only knew two options- be religious, or go back to some of my old ways of thinking and doing.  When all your efforts for the promise of a rich,deep meaningful life fail; when your prayer is sincere in its need, but formulaic and repetitive in practice - it seems like your talking into the wind.

...very quickly into it being a Christian became ,for me, another method and effort for self improvement. This time the goal was holiness, or being good- or at least being like the other Christians around me.
I think a better understanding of what it means to be Christian has more to do with self utility and usefulness-but I don't want to lean so far into the "doing" that it obscures what I mean.
And, what I mean is this: our life with Christ should be less about making ourselves better and more about being our selves in the world.  Loving  and accepting ourselves and then doing the same for others.

Victory and defeat within a week..

To whom it may concern,
This week it feels like I went from victory to defeat.

The last few weeks at a new job have had me feeling ambivalent and scared, but I have felt the overwhelming assurance that I will be ok- that I don't have to fear, that He has good hiding in the cracks and crevices of this situation.
It has been kind of nice. I felt like I was finally "getting it", both by digging my feet in and by letting go. Ah- ha! How mature I was becoming...

But then, I suddenly got T-boned by an emotional reaction in a completely different setting and for completely different reasons.

At first I was indignant- arguing how I was right, if only to myself.
Then, I was a little regretful, realizing what I'd really done.
Then, I was a little fearful. With a feeling of hollowness, I am afraid of the consequences- ALONENESS, ISOLATION.

What will they do with me now, will they give up on me? Have nothing to do with me?

Where do I go from here? I have nowhere to go. Have I ruined it, again? Am I beyond help or hope?


This is what I realized, even if I cant expect others to give me the Grace that God does, or that I give myself.

That was me. That was an honest reaction. It was a broken reaction, but emotionally honest and real.

I cant change it by covering it up, I cant fix it by pretending or forgetting.

I have to acknowledge it- and not apologize for it, not explain it away. That is part of my experience.

What others take from it, how they respond to it isn't up to me.

In the end: the good I am during the victory is no better or worse than the bad I am in defeat.

It's just where I am, and I am thankful that right now my only obligation is to acknowledge it. To say what it is, then hand it to the God who is my creator, so that we can merrily go on our way.


Amen